Confessions of an aspiring author

A list of confessions and insecurities, written by my imposter syndrome

I may be a self-published poet, but I’ve had a quiet longing to write a novel for some time now, even before I started writing poetry.

Since I was a child, my imagination has always felt extravagant and somewhat wild. I would make up stories and scenarios, but often not write them down — sadly.

I know I have a story inside me somewhere, waiting to come to life on the page before my eyes. It’s a goal that I don’t want to let go of.

In a way, this list of confessions is more of a stream of consciousness — the worries, thoughts, and fears I have, and of getting them out of my mind to allow for the real, deep words to flow. A sort of promise to myself that I will finish a novel and put it out into the world one day.

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

So, here is my list of confessions as an aspiring author:

• I’ve started and stopped at least 3-4 book ideas over the last couple of years.

• In the past, I’ve gone in, all guns blazing (all vibes, no plot), only to be left staring at the page a few weeks later when a plot hole presents itself.

• I feel guilty when I abandon a book idea… like I’ve left an imaginary puppy at the side of a road.

• I’ve felt scared to announce any more book ideas since my first, because I’m scared of leaving them behind and feeling like I’ve failed.

• Without announcing anything officially, I’m currently nursing a novel idea I had on my retreat in Tuscany (that is all the information you are getting until I have an actual first draft in my hands!).

• I know deep down that I have a story inside me, waiting to be brought to life, I’m just not sure how to help it find its way out yet.

• I often worry about discarding my ideas, or leaving them to gather dust on the fictional desk of my mind, as I feel that they will be brought to life by another writer (if you’ve read Big Magic by

  Elizabeth Gilbert
  , you’ll know what I mean. If you haven’t read it, I urge you to).

• I find the plotting process of writing a novel incredibly difficult.

• Some days I don’t feel like a real author, even though I’ve self-published four poetry books. I feel there’s a difference between being a published poet and a published novelist.

• I keep seeing so many videos on TikTok, or YouTube, or notes here on Substack about other writers finally typing ‘the end’ on their manuscript, and feel a pang of envy as I struggle to even get a quarter of the way through. I often ask myself, ‘Why can’t I get past my own roadblocks and make it to the elusive end point?’.

• I cycle through bouts of procrastination. I can’t seem to write properly when my environment needs tidying or there’s DIY to do. Yet whenever I skip writing and do these tasks first, telling myself I’ll be able to write more easily when everything around me is in its place, I then proceed to moan at myself that I don’t have as much time to write as I would like.

• I would love to spend my days writing in cute coffee shops, but life seems to get in the way too often.

• Having a mentor would be an absolute dream, but I just don’t have the funds to allow for one currently.

• When I read a book that leaves a mark on my soul, I panic, thinking that if I do ever finally get to finish a story and publish, it won’t be any good, or won’t make an impact on a someone’s life.

• The word count required for a novel brings out a sheer panic within me… like, how on earth am I supposed to write that many words?

• On that note, perhaps that’s why I have only ever properly attempted a novella.

• There’s a part of my brain that likes to imagine being a published author is like being part of some cool, exclusive club. And that if I publish a novel, I’ll finally feel cool, like my younger self always longed for.

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Deep down, I know I’m not the only writer to feel any of the above, but typing them out felt like a nudge to myself and the universe that I am ready to get out of my own way and write that damn book.

P.S. If any other aspiring authors want to be accountability buddies, please message me!

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